From the bottom of my bottle while waiting for the Tenere to come and searching up and down on the internet I just got enlightened ...
The term of ADV starts to piss me off, not to mention RTW and half of the so-called community behind it. Kind of putting it now in the shoe blades but the smart guys will get it and will not be offended, for the rest .... I don't care because you would not understand it even if I am drawing it to you.
Looks like is kind of middle-aged man crisis, maybe I should worry because I started to buy this shit "adventure" labeled, supported by very aggressive marketing campaigns. Few years ago I was just going out with my buddies somewhere in the "outback", somewhere where we defined it to be in the ass of the world. Actually somewhere remote where we could get to other places through land or some small forest paths or whatever. Just getting full of dirt, sleeping in tent somewhere in the middle of nowhere, getting awesome (drunk) and next day or sometime in the week returning to the ladies back home with a big smile on our faces and for their despair with a lot of mud on our clothes and stinking like we were coming straight from middle-ages. To our stupidity we did not know we were doing ADV, imagine the drama and the horror when I realized we were just calling this "going with the boys and our toys".
While we were doing this, some two actors and another dude were making a show on Discovery - Long way Round or Long way Down or both. In our stupidity we were laughing that with a crew we could also do it, no one knows what happened behind the cameras and who fixed what. Little did we know at that time that this will be a trend. And GS Adventure will become an icon and launch this entire crazy trend of "adventure riding". Now I am asking why the hell do people need a show to do something they really wanted or if they do it just because they can be as cool as ....
I will not discuss the two actors but I think for them was hard and really the adventure of their life, although full with camera crews, but they don't know better.
The name:
Letting aside that it resembles a certain brand and model, to say "I'm doing an adventure ride" sounds like my best childhood friend and I were doing "an action" or "secret action" while we were trashing our neighbor barn or his shed or whatever neighbor property, when we were 10 years old or younger. For me it sounds silly. What the bleep is an adventure ride? Adventure can mean 10.000 things for 10.000 people so why name it when you can define it? But yes, later I understood what means adventure riding, and we get to the next point....
The location:
To have a proper "adventure ride" or "ADV" or how do you want to call it you need to ship your bike to one of the following locations: Morocco, some other African country, South America - as preference in Peru, Bolivia or Columbia, Mongolia or Australia. For the guys who have 4 balls is North Canada and Alaska, go as far north as earth allows it. Except the guys with 4 balls I noticed that the 3 balls guys have kind of same view of adventure. Pick a shit country with unpaved roads, ship your bike there or as close as possible, make a YouTube video. Bonus for the adventure dirt cheap accommodation and food, like ... make two weeks out of 100 EUR. Well, except that, piss on the country culture and environment because what the hell ... you are a king there with your 200 EUR. And then you see idiots driving with warp speeds through sheep / goats / cows because they can. They could stop and drive slowly but something makes them feel like kings flashing their expensive stuff. Take some photos with pour kids, make an album, write a book, come home and act like a god and keep workshops about your "adventure" to small minded people like you who want to have also an "adventure ride" and gather some pour kids photos.
In my opinion you can do your adventure ride everywhere. Ok, maybe you are not allowed to go through that forest and maybe the quality of the roads is not challenging enough but you still find shitty roads and awesome scenery in your own backyard. Yes, you don't have pour africans in your pictures and you would not get free blow-jobs because you traveled in your own country or neighboring country. Not to mention it will be more expensive to stay at hotels and maybe you really need to try to pitch a tent. Most important have all the flashy things purchased with your MasterCard Gold.
Bike:
If is adventure must be the XYZ Adventure, must be big, around 100 Hp, aluminium panniers like 45L each, on top of that comes some assorted topcase. Now, looks big, has 500Kg, costs like a decent car but you still need to "adventurise" your monster. Just slap the entire catalog of "Some adventure company" without asking if you really need it, then as many accessories as possible have to be branded with the word ADVENTURE. Print a sticker with the url of your blog and slap it on the panniers, so everyone can read your story and live your adventure. Then of course the real "adventurist" needs to have stickers with all countries he was in, even just for 2Km, just slap the sticker if you've crossed a border and bring value to your bike. The only rule is to have as strange countries as possible, if you have UK or France .... sucks big time, your adventure buddies will cast you out for impersonating an ADV rider.
Now comes the middle-aged man, office worker by day, hero by night. He wants a cosy seat - buys a custom one so his buttocks are happy clapping at the end of the day. Over this he fits a gel happy-butt bag, or if he travels with class some sheep skin and fur, whatever ... something fluffy for the fluffy cellulite.
Next step is to have heated grips, even if he drives to Morocco, you never know when the next Ice Age is coming, and besides ... his license plate is just a season one - from May to September. He never used summer cross gloves in December at -5 degrees. That is an adventure, but you call that stupidity. I call that you use what you have and just enjoy the ride.
Next on the list is .... light. Yes you are riding in summer and by nightfall you are already in hotel but you still need those amazingly bright spot lights, and let them on all day because you are visible. In my experience .... if they ignore your headlight they will ignore everything, maybe some police lights will make them aware.
My take on this is that you don't need half a ton iron with 100Hp to drive shit roads with 60Km/h. You also don't need the entire adventure catalog, few things are enough. Actually are people who traveled very bad roads with 50cc mopeds, Harley, Royal Enfield, 125 -250 enduro bikes, sport bikes ... you don't need that latest 1200 engine. Maybe the adventure is on a Vespa rather than on a monster. Or on a Harley ... who knows!?!?! Your bike is not the one who makes the trip ... but you. Whatever ... you will still argue that adventure is only on that kind of bike, and you are true.
On the other hand, why you need 100Hp for solo riding? Your luggage doesn't weigh 100Kg, my 660 Tenere can go with 190Kg, take the rider out and see that you still get 100Kg space to play, out of this maybe 50kg is the luggage .... the legal speeds on highway are also easy to top ... why 300+Kg and a power-plant under your ass?
The must have of a real ADV bike is the mighty CRUISE CONTROL so that you can travel without moving a muscle, just set the bike to 120Kmh and enjoy a movie - buy a Goldwing if you want to take your couch and home entertainment system on wheels ...
Equipment:
Must haves are: 500+ EUR helmet, 500+ EUR pants, 500+ EUR jacket, 300+ EUR gloves, and again 500+ boots. Other than this cheap equipment, you need very expensive function underwear and special socks. Most important is that your equipment is only from top brands and the value is equal with the value of the bike. If you have less .. you are a bad evil man who pretends to be adv rider.
Well, I drive with what I have and my 30 EUR gloves are fine thank you! X or Y or Z brand can also break and tear apart, just that is very expensive to replace. Ride for the fun of it. You don't need that electric heated jacket, put a wind-stopper under the jacket and things are fine. If you are like missus and you are a bit cold even in sauna ... just use thermal shirts or drive your car.
Other equipment:
I noticed that one of the most important things to carry are: big DSLR, and no, not the entry level, some mirrorless for quick snapshots, laptop to keep your blog up to date, external HDD to save the photos and of course a bunch of a certain brand of action cameras. Are you somehow a movie maker or a photographer on the job? Are you going to enjoy the ride or just put some 10Kg in photo equipment.
I do carry a camera too, and I also have the certain brand of action camera and a hated one. But I don't make it as a must. Yes I have a lot of video and photo equipment, I need more than my trunk to carry it all, but when I ride I have the cheapest camera with me and certainly in long rides I leave as much electronic as I can behind. After all I go to enjoy, not to get home to see what I have missed while watching the photos.
The rider:
Now the most annoying part, the ass behind the hole (your cylinder hole) .... usually rude on forums with others who don't share their view on the world of motorcycles, the lesser people who don't ride the XYZ adventure. Typically 45-50+, kids left home, well shaped beer belly in the pants, the hair is how the genetics let it to be or to leave the head, somehow with some good payment so they could afford the very expensive purchase. Highly regarding himself as an absolute authority in travel and ADV, this human species kind of knows which is the right bike, and the right catalog to slap on your bike, some males of the species may have some technical knowledge but man what they can take out of their mouths on forums .... you wonder if they ever studied basic math, physics, chemistry and logic. Naturally, the best toys are the ones with the latest gadgets and you are part of the foot-folk if you dare not to have them or just have a different opinion let's say on ABS. Whatever you say nothing is better than their adventure bike, although it has small tank, less clearance and more kilos ... everything they say starts with "on my trip to X ... bla bla", dude, you can tell that after 20.000Km your whatever accessory is still perfect shape, end of story.
Another trait of this species is that they want adventure but with luxury and comfort, yes we all know that you are a couch potato for the rest of the year, we all know that after a day riding in freezing rain you want a hot shower, we all want this, but ... the fun of adventure is to get out of your comfort zone, to live like the old people did, traveling with their horses for days, being soaked, cold and hungry. But you ride with your electric heated jacket, heated grips and waterproof clothes ....
Maybe the most annoying trait is that you can't forget that you are talking with a well educated man (because travel is education) and with a celebrity at the same time.
Well, this kind of pajama hero makes me sick ... be who you are, and enjoy life because is too short anyways. Don't judge the other bikers only on their motorcycle, maybe they are cool too.
Well .... I have talked enough for today ...
Whatever you ride and whatever you name your trip, just stay safe and enjoy it!
Cheers.
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